This is awful. Why is this awful?

When you write something and then re read it again after a number of years it wil always seem pretty naff but I can assure you this particular excerpt is certainly not naff. It is a good solid piece of writing that tends to drag you into the story. It sounds as though it comes from the Hitler days or from stories such as 1984 but there is nothing wrong with the writing at all so I would stop worrying about it and write another short story. Good luck with your writing.